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You know god damn well who this is..
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| Hey guys, you don't need to read this, it's just a rant..(everything I can't tell someone in person) |
[09 Jan 2008|06:20am] |
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mood |
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 :( |
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Ok, this is the first time I've decided to talk about this, and since it's to complete strangers that helps. I miss my ex, Don, and I don't know what to do anymore because the way he cut things off was so absurd to me...
And I realize that these things are trivial, and I realize that this life is too short to wallow in self-pity and doubt. But on the off chance that he reads this looking for jobs, etc. I wanted him to know:
I. I miss you
II. I can't stop thinking about you
III. I really meant it when I said I was worried about you
IV. The reasons you gave me when you broke up with me are too inexplicable and mundane for me to even CONSIDER the possibility that they are valid, and I need some closure.
V. I'm not even CLOSE to over you, and I shouldn't have revealed myself so much to you, it was inappropriate because we seemed to rush into this.
I understand more than you think, and this rant isn't written to make you feel guilty, it's written for my own self-satisfaction and growth. My spirituality and my personal beliefs and morals are exactly where they need to be, and I'm sorry you don't seem to agree with that.
And asking me to soul-search just because of my beliefs and how they seem mis-aligned with yours? Our beliefs are more aligned than you might think. Christian Science and Baha'i, two spiritual beliefs that are based on scientific thinking and the beliefs in family and human unity. I also love the fact that you broke things off before you even let me tell you ABOUT my beliefs and religions. We didn't even get around to talking about that. I gave you a brief overview of my official "religion", but you failed to realize that I am an independent thinker and that I have my own beliefs and values that seem misaligned with the classic "Baha'i" stereo-types.
If this was seriously the reason you broke things off, then I can't do anything about it. And maybe that's what you were looking for. A problem that I couldn't fix, and that you had no interest in fixing because you had no interest in me.
Whatever the reason, I really wish I could find a way to piss you off. Enough so that you would go off on a ridiculous rant like this one, and maybe THEN I would get some answers from you. Some real answers, and not this "religion" bullshit. And even the strength of my spirituality has nothing to do with the vibes I'm getting off of you, mainly because you didn't even know me long enough to know just how spiritual I was OR how I showed that spirituality. If I could just piss you off, and you could write me an email telling me what the fuck I did wrong, things would go so much smoother.
and I could stop blaming myself for what happened. Ask Beck, I haven't stopped talking about you since this all began/occurred. I have asked myself over and over again, "What is it about me that I can change, so he'll feel the same way or take me back?"
What's worse is that I realize I don't miss YOU so much as I miss the feeling of being in a relationship and belonging to someone. I really fell for you so hard, and I threw everything I had at this thinking that you were doing the same. I believed the lies you told me, and I believed everything you said because I was so wrapped up in the bullshit-cocoon that you built around me. You used me. You preyed on my insecurities and my "flaws" (if any), and you had no consideration for me whatsoever. How I felt never meant anything to you, and if it DID, then you wouldn't have chosen such a bullshit reason as break-up worthy.
You would've faced me, like a MAN, and said that you were any of the following...
I. A Coward
II. Not ready to commit
III. Rushing into things without thinking first (i.e. When you called after I told you I might move in with my ex until I get things straightened out, and your jealousy made itself abundantly clear)
IV. That you were tired of me, and my personality did not click with you in the way you had hoped
V. That you had other things in life more important than a relationship with me right now and that you had to focus on finances, your job, etc.
I would've had so much more respect for you if you had told me ANY of these, but telling me that it was because of my religion? Who gave you the right to judge others based on their beliefs? Your religion PREACHES understanding, humility, and acceptance. So why then, am I to be persecuted, for my own personal beliefs and morals? Unless you clearly state to me that you are becoming a priest and you don't need fleshly delights to be happy, then I will assume that:
-You used me for your own physical gain (i.e. sex, and what-not)
-You didn't care about me
-You're a liar
-You've found someone else, probably another Christian, and you don't even think about me anymore..
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But there comes a time when one must accept life, and all it's courses. What I need to hear from you, instead of "I miss you" e-mails (which I assume are lies until PROVEN otherwise), is that you are over me. I need to hear that you are not interested in me anymore. I need to hear that we have no possible way of fixing whatever issues lie between us, and I need to hear that I was a mistake in your life. It's either hearing that, or hearing that you want me back and miss me just as I miss you. Which one is more likely though at this point?
I need to hear where you stand on this, and I need to hear that you are alright and you haven't fallen into another drinking spell. I worry so much about you, not only because I have feelings for you more than friendship, but because I'm such an empathetic bitch.
We need to talk, so if you ever see this, and chances are you won't...
Stop sending me mixed messages, like telling me you miss me and then ignoring emails and phone calls.
Stop toying with my emotions.
Stop being so perfect for a weird person like me.
Please. Please stop.
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| Anti-social? |
[08 Oct 2007|07:26pm] |
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 Whatever. |
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So today I made a fairly monumental decision to go a certain amount of time without talking to many people at school. Call it an experiment, if you will. I am aware of what this will do to my "image" that I have gotten over the years, but strangely enough, I don't really care about that anymore. This experiment, if successful, will proceed until such time I deem it necessary to obtain contact with another living entity while in a place of education.
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Personal time.
Gabriel has a girlfriend.
(end of personal time)
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Idea of the day: Experiments on society, and their effects on the human brain
TODAY, I will be thinking about how the above experiment will effect my emotions and my logic process. I have hypotheses and theories, none of them conclusive. If anything, this experiment will render me depressed for an indefinite amount of time, and my mother unit will attempt to put me back on my medications. This is something I am opposed to for many reasons.
1) I feel they lessen my brain activities, including attention span, dormant hours, as well as other activities.
2) I had more symptoms of epilepsy while on the medication, and living with them was harder than one would think.
3) I am a happier person to be around, meaning I have more energy to converse with people, and I think clearly when I am not taking them.
4) They made me eat more than usual, and I have lost weight, or at least my weight has stabilized now that I am off.
5) My mother is pissing me off, and whats more...I am ABLE to feel angry, which is a new development, I had forgotten what it felt like.
On the other hand, due to this experiment, I will be closed off from virtually everyone, and the effects can be theorized but remain unknown to a student in the ways of the world like me. My main goal of this is to gain insight into what I take for granted, and what I should pay more attention to. My theories, however unimportant they are to the reader, are all that I have to keep this experiment going. Otherwise, I would continue on my current path, and forget that people treat me like shit everyday.
But that's an interesting thought in and of itself. What if what I perceive as bad treatment really is people just expressing how they feel towards me? And what if this experiment turns out to prove that I have no social communications at school worth maintaining? Naturally, this is to be expected. High school is self discovery and identity crisis' galore. This is an inevitable part of growing up, and therefore it should not be ignored. I will acknowledge these events, and record them daily in a location of my choosing. One wonders what the effect will be on my emotions and moods. I guess I will find out, next Sunday. I will look over my recorded data, and complete the analysis, ending with a conclusion in true scientific form. If the experiment turns out to be a failure, then such behavior will not be repeated. It is my personal belief, however, that my absence will not be noticed among my peers, and that if I were to continue this, they would gain insight into what they see as friendship qualities in me. Granted, this is the new me speaking, and in my opinion, from sophomore year to junior there has been a major personality change. Some might not agree with this, while others might agree whole hearted and they might agree that this is indeed the start of a new Lauren. Time will tell and hopefully this will be an invaluable lesson learned.
It is another personal belief that there is an entire world outside of school that some people forget about. Holding conversations with people over uninteresting topics is tedious, and to my mind, it serves no practical purpose. While in this school, I must utilize every mental growth opportunity and I must seek to improve my education. This includes learning about the world and modern events, as well as devoting myself to History, and Literature. These subjects will aid me most in the years to come, the expansion of my vocabulary must be endless. Languages, vital to my development. If I am to become what I want to be when I am of age, then I must learn the languages needed for this career choice.
This experiment should help me gain control of my failing classes, and it might help me gain control over what I feel is happening to me. If I do require interaction with these entities, then surely enough I will resume. But I have lost sight of why it is that I value their friendship, and through this method, I hope to gain the knowledge I seek. One can think of the basic reasons why one chooses to associate with these entities, but personally, the distance from them has made itself abundantly clear.
This ever growing distance was inevitable, and it is my belief that it started at the beginning of the summer, when I chose to spend most of my days at Blake's house. Soaking up the friendship of the older human. One can think of a single good reason why this is relevant to development of the mind. Their ideas. The people in my year have JUST began to think about the ideas that these people have already had and developed. Having a conversation with these juniors is like one big game of "He said, she said" where you have to know all the names of the people involved in the soap opera just to be able to follow the fucking story. One hopes that through the above mentioned experiment, things will right themselves, and I will see what is not needed for survival, and what is.
Right now, obtaining only the necessities of life is important. Once this goal has been reached, other experiments will be tried and tested, and they will all help me understand who it is that I am supposed to be. But I know, right now, that this school is crippling my advance.
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One situation I must keep an eye on is the situation with my mother. Things seem to be getting worse. It's as if she's forgotten that I am a human being, and that I must be treated with ample respect due from a mother to a daughter. One will work on this goal as well.
(end of transmission)
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| So I don't expect any responses..not anymore.. |
[06 Oct 2007|11:53pm] |
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 Awake and indifferent. |
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I don't really know why I keep this journal alive. I guess it's healthy to rant about things that are bothering you. Maybe it helps to express your ideas, even if no one is reading this anymore. Well, at least that is my hope. Sometimes it comforts me to know that no one reads this, or takes it seriously at least. Anyway, I came here to rant, so I suppose I'd better get it over.
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Now, everyone might be tired of hearing about this, and it will be short, since talking about it kind of bothers me nowadays. Michael and Mom are getting awfully close again, and he's staying over at our house more and more and I suppose this bothers me because I take it as an invasion of an alien entity into my home and living quarters. He's harmless right now, not doing or saying much. He is trying to get closer to me, but something on the inside tells me to keep my distance. This seems like a fair plan for now. But the past couple of weeks have certainly been unnerving. I've been waiting for the bottom to fall out of this "perfect" existence...Soon enough it will, but no one seems to listen to what I have to say on the matter. Even my mother, who should be protecting me against getting hurt, ignores what I have to say. I must say that this is rather disturbing to me. If I live there too, shouldn't my opinion matter? Sometimes I feel like running away, but that's a bit dramatic for now. I await change, and hopefully with change comes enlightenment (for my mom).
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Anti-socialism:
My thoughts on this subject are evolving into more complex ideas and ways of thinking. I'm fairly confident that since no one is reading this, I can say what I need to and not worry about being reprimanded for in later. Here goes.
My feelings on this subject are of the position that it is not bad to be anti-social in certain situations. I.E. School. I go to school and it feels like one big beauty contest, or some sort of popularity test. We judge our self value and worth on what position we hold in the school hierarchy. It's amazing how many people claim to "not care" about the social drama that goes on in McNeil, but I find it humorous how you can claim to not care, and then five minutes later, proceed to fill me in on some type of gossip. I don't care who you're dating, I don't care about your life most likely, and if I do care about what you have to say then I will make eye contact with you. This is a definite tell-tale sign about my level of commitment to the conversation. But here in lies the difficulty. Finding a subject that interests me is increasingly difficult nowadays. Mainly the only things I seem to find interesting are subjects that require a little more thought and effort behind them. I.E. politics, reactions in society, ideas rather than events, and possibly effects of America on the global population.
As anyone can tell, I am very anti- American. And one of my beliefs is that our president has led us into a global mind-fuck. But this is a common statement that everyone seems to be making nowadays, and most people don't really put as much thought into it as I do. Rather than focusing on school work, I sit and think about these ideas, and develop them into organized thoughts and opinions. Then I wait. I wait until a discussion comes along that allows me to express my opinions and well planned thoughts, and afterwards, I wait for the effect or reaction. When you think about it, it's a kind of social-chemistry. Adding one ingredient after another until there is a reaction that can be observed and measured. Once the reaction has happened, I then incorporate other's ideas and opinions into my own, and start the process all over again. The problem with this equation is the discussions. They are entirely too rare and too spontaneous to predict, and thus, it is hard to practice this "chemistry". My patience grows thin, and I grow weary of waiting for the perfect opportunity to discuss my ideas. Maybe what's happening is just a process of growing up. But whatever the case may be, I have to facilitate things more. How this will be done is uncertain, but I am fairly confident that things will go smoothly once facilitation has occurred. I had the notion of starting an after-school academics program, under the field of psychology, to hold after school and there I will invite classmates to attend and debate important issues of the world. But I'm almost convinced that people will not attend said convention. Thus, my purpose is defeated. One thing I just thought of is maybe instead of attracting students, I would attract other adults. But I am sure this is not going to happen. The simplest and most likely reaction is the complete absence of attendees. This kind of pessimistic attitude is uncommon of me nowadays, but maybe this is another example of laziness in the common American. The same logic could be applied as to why we haven't yet revolted against our modern government. Yes, it is my belief that we should revolt, and start the movements of change within our society. But it seems rather pointless now that Bush's term is near over. Soon, another candidate will be elected and then maybe, just maybe, the changes will be made.
These ideas along with the millions of others I have will be developed more and more as time goes on. But for now, I will try to lie down and sleep.
I reside in a hotel room that smells of stale smoke and sex. A bad combination, but sadly all the rooms smell like this. I am trapped, and I am feeling like I will throw up pretty soon.
The sickness feels like a fever mixed with a stomach virus. It is tedious and bothersome, but being the strong person I am supposed to be or expected to be, I will DEAL with it.
Goodnight, nobody.
(end of transmission)
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| A SPECIAL HELLO... |
[21 Sep 2007|06:45pm] |
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mood |
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 Heh. |
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Hey Navid...
Quit reading this shit, most of it doesn't even make sense.
(end of transmission)
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| Back on the Radar.. |
[16 Aug 2007|04:13pm] |
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 I don't know anything.. |
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I have returned to my house from my friend's place, and right now I can honestly say that I regret being home. For some reason, I am unhappy. And whats worse is that I can't seem to figure out why I'm upset. I think maybe it has something to do with my medication, or something. Usually I wouldn't feel this stressed out about everything. I don't know.
That and my mother certainly isn't helping things. I've been sleeping in late, and she called me around 3 in the afternoon, and I was still asleep. So she called, and one of the first things out of her mouth was, "Guess how much the phone bill is.." To which I reply, "I don't know, how much?" Her response. "Go ahead and guess." My response...."I'm not in the mood for games, how much is it?" Then she proceeded to tell me that it was $400 dollars, and above. That's me and her combined. So my daytime minutes were less than hers, but she called me to get onto me about them anyway. I shouldn't even be THIS upset about it. But the fact that she approached it SO dramatically, Jesus Christ. I almost feel like calling her up and telling her to grow up. Damn it. And even then, if I were to call her, she'd get even more pissed that I think of her as childish..Fuck.
I don't know. I really want to move out already. I want my license, I want my car, I want my own place, I want to move out of this place. Me and her do not mesh well. I mean, sure, I get along with her and I love her. But sometimes it's just...It feels like I want to kill her sometimes. And I know that sounds a little extreme, but ugh. >.<; And she's done a lot for me, so me writing this is in a sense being ungrateful. She would take it like that at least. I don't know. I'm so confused.
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Having guy trouble again, too. Last night, I got my ass handed to me, basically. By this guy Armando. Then afterwards, he asked me to go out with him. The problem with this is that I do not want to settle down. I told him no, but then it was kind of like he didn't take "no" for an answer. I told him that I wanted to see him, and other people as well, for a short amount of time. He said no to that too.
So now here I am, someone's girlfriend which sucks, and I have to worry about breaking the ice to him that I do NOT want to be in a fucking relationship right now. One thing I worry about though is that I'm doing this because I'm just scared of something. I care about him, I think. I don't even know anymore.
I don't know anything anymore. It just fucking sucks, over all.
And I don't want to go back to school either. -.-; It...fucking...blows.
(end of transmission)
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| ATTENTION ALL ARCADE VISITORS, FUNNY PICTURE! |
[11 Jun 2007|02:37pm] |
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mood |
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 ....nigguh |
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It's fucking adorable!
Anyway, I thought I'd post this for the fellow dorks out there, and hopefully you all understand it. Guilty Gear XX. That kind of ruins the treasure hunt for you, but whatever.
Much love from the other side, motherfuckers.
(end of transmission)
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[26 May 2007|09:53pm] |
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I HATE IT WHEN DANS ALWAYS RIGHT!
Hasn't even talked to me in months, and he still decodes the shit I say. To a tee. Little motherfucker. Why cant other people read me like he can? Thats just stupid. I wish Adam could read me as well as that, then I'd never have to worry about guys again. On the realz.
DAN...-.-; I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS AND YOU SUCK.
I want to give shout outs to a couple of people actually.
Ish- ...fuckin rock out with your cock out, homes.
Cassie- <3 ?
Sean- Been a while since I seen you, and I doubt youre reading this but if Cassie is shell pass along deh message....I LUV YOU SWEETCHEEX.
Kenny- :| I hate you for being able to play piano, but Im starting lessons soon and Ill be able to beat you! ONE DAY! CURSE YOU! <3
Thats about it.
MADDY- I LOVE YOU
Thats about everyone who reads my journal regularly..sadly. Whatev. <3
(end of transmission)
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[24 May 2007|12:17pm] |
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 Numb. |
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Well I think I figured out my problem. Though the people reading this will probably say to themselves, "JESUS, Lauren!"
I'm not over Navid. I thought I was, but I'm not. I dream about him sometimes. Nothing on the sexual side, just...dreams. The last one, we were both in a dancing competition. For some reason, it made me feel a lot better because we were together for a brief period of time, even in my mind.
Gah, this really sucks. I don't think I can express how much this sucks. Whats even worse STILL is that I compare everyone to him. No one matches up. I still push people away though. I pushed him away, made it seem like everyone else was more important than he was. Told him about my hopes for going to college in PA, college in SC. Made it seem like I wanted to get away from him. But I was thinking about it...
I think the reason I did that was because I just waiting for him to protest against me leaving. What I wanted was to hear him say flat out, "I need you to be here. For me." What I didn't realize is that he was saying that, I just wasn't listening. Another thing thats bad is that I don't think I miss him so much as I miss what we had. The way he loved me was like..wow. He's also the only one Ive ever told about the overwhelming feeling that I get when I love someone A LOT. And I had that feeling with him. I had that feeling with him so many times, and he told me he had that feeling for me too. The way I see it, hes right. I fucked up. And its over.
But I'm glad its over. He's on the search for someone else who can make him happier than I can. Someone as fucked up as me. I haven't been happy since I was with him anyway. Things have just gone downhill. Ish helped me through the worst part, and I'm grateful for him, but no one matches up to Navid. And it fucking sucks. It really does.
If I had known that Navid cared that much about what had happened, I would've apologized a long time ago. I did slap him, on good grounds. But he had a reason for saying what he said to get that slap.
In time, Ill get through it. I should've done this a long time ago but Ill get over him now. Now that I admit it to myself that I haven't already.
(end of transmission)
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[04 May 2007|07:49pm] |
Regained sanity.
(end of transmission)
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| Fuck. |
[21 Apr 2007|08:07pm] |
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Ive been having such a shitty time of it recently. Its hard to even believe that Im typing it all up on livejournal. This fucking website is so pointless, no one even reads my bullshit and Im sick and tired of saying something and having it be ignored. Or written off like, "Oh shes fine" and "Oh shell get over it". Fuck you. All of you. Im so sick of all of you. Im so sick of being human, and interacting with human beings. I wish I was a fucking animal, that way atleast Id know what my instincts were and I wouldnt worry about anything else like, "Hmm, I wonder if this asshole is tired of listening to me talk?" or "I wonder if they still want to talk to me after all these fucking years?"
Guys and their penises. If the world were a fucking matriarchy, and I were in charge, men would be castrated at birth and would be forced into camps that make them gay, kind of like concentration camps for the male species, but better because I wouldnt kill you, youd just wish you could die without your dicks.
And fuck reproduction. We will either go extinct, or be produced in test tubes. The future is technology, created by man, mastered by woman.
Fuck guys. I swear to god. The next time a guy hits on me, Ill fucking castrate him with a katana. Im so fucking tired of getting hurt. Im so tired of this. I want this fucking pain to stop. And no one fucking listens. NO ONE.
I DONT EVEN LISTEN TO MYSELF! And how trustworthy a person can I be if I cant even trust my own damn self? This motherfucker was fucking 23. Or somewhere close, it doesnt even matter. Close to the age of Ish, and dont get me started on Ish. Fuck Ish AND fuck Nazi.
All of you can go to hell. I swear to god Im tired of being hurt. And all the "friends" I thought I had here, fuck them. All the "friends" I thought I had down south, fuck them. Fuck every friend I thought I ever had. PERIOD. And Im tired of having expectations brought down upon me.
My own mother is pushing me to be more than what I am. "I expected more"..Thats her attitude towards everything. She hates who I am, she wants me to be her, and I can never do or say enough to make her happy. I come home, theres no one here, I go to work WITH NO ONE AT THE HOUSE, I come home to her either asleep, being WITH Michael, or not there. I would rather her just stay gone from the house period. It would take confusion out of my life and things would be so much easier. Just pay for me to live here, buy the groceries, pop in to say hey occasionally, and leave. Oh wait, doesnt that sound like MY OWN FUCKING APARTMENT?! And isnt that what IM SAVING UP FOR BY HAVING THIS SHIT PAYING COCK SUCKING JOB OF MINE?! But OH NO, I have to quit because apparently, the people who work there dont live up to YOUR OWN GOD DAMN STANDARDS! No offense Mom, you dont even live up to YOUR OWN damn standards. You dont want me to smoke? Who smokes every night? You dont want me to drink? WHO DRINKS EVERY OTHER WEEKEND CLAIMING YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE?! What do you have to celebrate, Mom? Michael came home from work? Party time? Nice. You want me to find a boyfriend my own age? What the fuck happened with Navid, Mom? And who was the one pushing me away from him in the first place? And who was the one who told me all the ideas that NAVID had about taking me away from you? You want me to be more politically involved in my art? Who was it who said that they couldnt fit politics into their hectic daily schedule? Oh you can fit in Michael and going out to eat and watching American Idol, but you cant fit in riots and protests? Who was it who said they were going to set up Mandolin lessons so I could have piano lessons? Who was it who said I could move in with Melody if I was unhappy living up north? Who said they would match me 50/50 once I got $500 saved in the fucking bank? You want me to have love in my fucking life? Guess what love requires, Mom? A friend. Not to mention that, a BOYFRIEND. And what do boys and girls do, mom? They kiss. They hug. They hold hands. But who was it who sent Navid AND Gabriel away when you saw us holding hands? Gabriel couldnt even sit on the same fucking bed as me, when there were no god damn chairs in the god damn room and the door was wide fucking open and you were sitting on the god damn couch. My sister Ashley was even looking in on us, snooping around, and I didnt mind that as much as I did your fucking hypocrisy about "Oh I want you to be happy" and "Oh, Hes such a nice boy.." IS HE A NICE BOY MOM? I wouldnt know, hes in fucking Massachusetts now. And do you think hes going to come back? No, Mom. He isnt. He has nothing here for him because I pushed him away thinking it would make you happy. But it didnt, did it? Nothing is ever good enough. And you claim your proud of me for all my good grades? You wont even pay for a fucking tutor for me when Im failing half the classes Im taking and that are required by the state for high school GRADUATION! Meaning if I fail, I DONT GRADUATE! But I dont think you would care, do you? You spend your time out of the house, with michael, or in your room watching TV programs wishing you could do more with your life than becoming what you always feared. Being a political activist means being...ACTIVE. You could shoot yourself in the foot and get the same amount of work accomplished. Even more so probably, because everyone would feel sorry for your cripple ass. You cant take the fact that Im growing up and dont need your eyes on my every move 24/7. I can handle myself, and youre scared of what I will become once your gone and out of my life on a regular basis. Youre scared Ill forget you. You think Ill turn out just like my sisters, and that Ill be an ungrateful little brat who never thanked her mother for anything. You fucking leave for Christmas, and you think I would be alright? ASHLEY AND MELODY HAVE FATHERS AND I DONT. YOURE ALL I HAVE AND YOU THOUGHT I WOULD BE ALRIGHT?! You thought I would just say, "Oh, you chose to be with Michael rather than me, BECAUSE HES MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT THAN YOUR OWN GOD DAMN DAUGHTER!" Your children hate him Mom, when is it going to be enough? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE HIM STAY GONE?! Yeah hes got his own place, and Im proud of him for keeping it so long, but you cannot save him. Youll never be able to save him. And he wont be able to save you, no matter how hard either of you try. Whats done is done and you need to let go and start over. A break means an ACTUAL BREAK, not a week. A break is a month, 2 months, 3 months, however long it takes for you to get a handle on things and get shit into perspective. You both waited up for me last night, but how did it feel, not having control over everything in your life? Didnt like it did you? I dont have control over anything. Not even my fucking emotions or thoughts. I go from hyper to homicidal in 2 seconds flat and you still think everything is fucking normal. ITS NOT. You fucking leave me here with Ashley and Mel, thinking theyll magically solve everything. The only way they do that is by telling me that Im not alone. Telling me that they had to go through the same bullshit too. And you ended up kicking them out onto the god damn street. They didnt do HALF the shit I did, and they still got kicked out. Give up on me, Mom. I will never be what you want me to be, and by the time that I am, youll be dead and buried. Give up. Just give up on me and youll be so thankful when you wake up tomorrow morning to find me long gone. To give you a seconds peace. To let you live your life. To let you breathe. You always talk about how you want a life. You always say that youve devoted your life to your children. What the fuck did you think babies were? Did you think they were all fun and games until about 13 years old? All your children have told you the same thing, Mom. Youre selfish. And think only of yourself and how other people's actions are affecting YOU. Ill bet my entire life's savings in YOUR OWN PERSONAL BANK ACCOUNT that you stayed up until 1:00 last night dreaming those "nightmares" of me, in the back of your mind youre thinking "This is seriously going to effect my mood tomorrow. I have the ballgame with Michael at 3:00 and Ill be too tired to go!" Fucking selfish hypocritical uptight overprotective paranoid bitch. You sit there and wish for all these things to happen, and wish and wish that they'll happen over night. You kicked Ashley out when she was 15. 15, mom. Think about that. a 15 year old girl, in Austin, with her father in Houston, out on the god damn street. Melody, out by the time she was 17. And what did they do to piss you off, mom? They told you the truth. Michael tells you the truth. You kick him out too. The only reason I dont tell you the truth is because I have no where to go after this. No crutch to lean on once you kick me out. And eventually it will happen, lets not lie to ourselves. Ill either go to live with Gloria in the woods in a cabin raising livestock away from civilization, to Kandee's where they live blinded by the media and so willing to accept Jesus and George Bush as their personal saviors that theyd go on fucking crusades to defend their honor, or Ill go to Melody or Ashley's, where theyll say "Oh no, we accept you now. We love and feel sorry for you" while thinking that Im a burden and cursing the day that you met my father and fucked to have me. Me, the thorn in everyones side. The daughter Michael never had, who hates him for trying to be her father. The ungrateful-grateful bi-polar brat who thinks only of herself and whines about how you dont love me. The slut of the family who will have kids before her time and spend the rest of her days isolated and alone with her millions of children gathered around her feet like a fucking bonfire. Your ideal version of me is to be the normal one. The sane one. The one that has kids first to make you their grandmother, and to take the kids to your house for milk and cookies and a happily ever after. The straight arrow who would never do anything you told her NOT to do. The one to live in a movie, meet the right guy (without dating anyone else mysteriously, is he going to fall into my fucking lap, mom?), marry him, have kids, bring them over for cook outs while you and Michael live out the rest of your lives in a house in Alabama. The fact that youd consider marrying him is unbelievable. Your tempers rage at each other, and both of you fight and fight and fight, letting pride and stupidity get in the way of judgement and rationality. Your pride blinds your love for each other and its sickening. So fuck you for wanting me to be like you. I am not you. And I have learned from your mistakes and your life story.
Time to write my own.
(end of transmission)
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[26 Feb 2007|06:50pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Welcome Home - Coheed and Cambria |
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I dont know. Theres an aire of uncertainty in this house as it follows its dramatic path down lovers lane. The fights intensify and I am told about everything that remains between Mom and Michael.
The future is foggy.
More and more there is talk of Michael moving out. Hes unhappy, we can all tell.
Im sick and tired of people being so afraid of being alone. If there is no love in a relationship, and you both want out, then leave one another and dont make other people suffer through YOUR own unhappiness. Damn. Its like me against Michael now, because in every fight, he brings me into it, I can hear Mom defending me, but over time it gets to the point where you cant stand it anymore.
I was watching TV in the livingroom the other day, anyone whos been to my house knows we have a HUGE flat panel HD TV there, and I have a certain allowance on it. I was watching a movie, and in walks Michael, WITH HIS SON*, and he expects me to get off. I told him that it was my time to use the TV, so he backs off for about 10 minutes, but he knows I have to go to work because Mom told him earlier. I get up to walk into the kitchen, and this fucker has the balls to turn to me and say "You goin' to work yet?" I almost backhanded this son of a bitch. THEN..after I got angry, I realized it wasnt worth all the energy to be mad, and went to work. Beck made me feel alot better. I dont know where I would be without that girl, I swear.
Was my anger wellspent? Did I really need to be THAT angry about it? Who can say? All I know is I felt what I felt, did what I did, and I want the fucker out of this house. Its all downhill from here.
(end of transmission)
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| Question! |
[23 Feb 2007|01:35pm] |
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music |
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A breath of sunshine- Scary kids Scaring Kids |
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Is it so weird to stay on a friendly basis with all your ex's?
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| Been a while, why the fuck not? |
[21 Feb 2007|01:56pm] |
Hey hey hey, bitches. Been a while since I updated this shit. So whatevs, thought Id let you all know whats goin down in funky town.
FOR STARTERS.
Family life. Not my favorite subject but a necessary one to get out of the way. Be forwarned that I have limited time to be writing this, so if you are a faithful reader, my apologies. FAMILY. *le sigh* Well, the first thing to start with is Mom and me I suppose. To the uninformed, there was a period of time in which Lauren thought she might be homeless for a bit. Things are a little bit more stable for now. Cant totally guarantee that things will stay that way but Im trying my best. I ask for your patience.
Things with Michael. Improving. For once. I mean, its not like Im accepting him as my father, but hes finally coming around in the "anger" department. Its nice to get a break.
Sisters. Mel has two new jobs, and Im very proud of her for everything. Shes very strong and self sufficient, and she happens to be my idol because she fucking ROXORS MY BOXORS!
Ashley, she lost her job and has moved in with Rick (her Dad), and Im very proud of her for everything, including forgiving Gabe. Even though Gabe got her into a bad position in life, I hope she learns from this time around the block.
ADAM. Things with him are improving. Slowly but surely, hes changing all the bad things about himself and becoming a new person. Kudos for Adam. Lets hope this time the change is permanent and he finally learns that its not ok to make me cry.
---------------
FRIEND SECTION! IF YOU ARE A FRIEND AND READING THIS, THEN PAY ATTENTION, FUCKER!
I got a job! ^.^ Am happy and feeling nice about it because I got my own money to spend on spoiling myself. Recently I bought a $60 coat, because Im a woman and shopping made me feel better. o.o; The jacket arrives sometime this week, and Ill wear it everywhere so keep your eyes on the lookout for a FOX in a coat! ^.^ SEXY!
Though, if you are a friend and reading this, youre probably thinking that its not fair how many weekends Im working. I completely agree. They have me working every weekend. The only days I got off are Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Conveniently enough, thats when everyone else is working, so its hard to be able to spend time with you all. :/ Im trying my hardest, but its a working progress so please have patience.
AMIGOS DE LA SUR:
Its hard for me to say this, but Im considering leaving the DDR profession. Leave comments, tell me what you think.
BLAKE: ...You need to call me and set up some time aside from work to hang out with me. o.o; Ill ask Thomas for a weekend off and when I do, you and I are hanging out, come hell or high water.
KENNY: Sorry I didnt return your phone calls, been busy. Ill try to call you soon, and we gotta hang out too.
ISH: Answer your god damn phone.
CASSIMATRON: ...I LOVE YOU! GOTTA HANG OUT!
DAN: Your probably not reading this but much love and WE gotta hang out.
MATT, SEAN, EVERYONE FROM THE DRAG!: WE ALL HAVE TO FUCKING HANG OUT! ALL OF YOU NEED TO CALL EACH OTHER, SET UP A TIME, AND WERE GOING TO HANG OUT! EVEN IF I HAVE TO CRY AND MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE BACKSTABBING BASTARDS!
My time is up.
(end of transmission)
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[07 Feb 2007|02:24pm] |
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Am alive.
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[31 Jan 2007|08:50pm] |
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mood |
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Yep. |
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music |
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GBH- Necrophilia |
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Same as last time. Cept I dont miss anyone anymore. Just feel forgotten by alot of people.
Not Cassie and Sean, I know that they havent forgotten, its just a feeling I have. Most of my DDR gets done at Main Event now. Closer and I dont have mom bitching at me about it. More than welcome to join me, though I doubt Ill be the same. Gah I miss Blake now.
(end of transmission)
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[15 Jan 2007|08:15pm] |
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mood |
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......-.-; |
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music |
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A Breath of Sunshine- Scary Kids Scaring Kids |
] |
I used to be so happy, I dont know what went wrong. How is it that I am this thing of a creature I am now? Im not even a shadow of who I used to be, and I walk, I breathe, I think different thoughts than I used to.
Shell of Lauren.
My god what have I become?
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| Whatevs. |
[30 Dec 2006|12:51am] |
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mood |
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 :( |
] |
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music |
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Theres a ringing in my head...I dont know..not music... |
] |
Am alive. Am sick. Am miserable. Am missing Adam. Have no way to contact said person. Am very depressed because of lack of Adam. :| Am still depressed about my home life...Am struggling with grades. Am wanting to get drunk. Very drunk. So drunk I forget my name. Have nothing else to say.
(end of transmission)
P.S. Love to Will, Dan, Ish, Sean, Cassie, Nick, Kenny especially, Adam, Alfredo, Gloria, Mary, and anyone else I mightve missed. Apologies to you if I did.
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| EHHH.. |
[28 Dec 2006|03:42am] |
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mood |
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 ....? |
] |
Work, like sex, makes me feel empty and alone. :|
Thats all I have to say right now. Other than my moms drunk and Mike and Diana are wrestling on the livingroom floor, drunk also. Beh.
(end of transmission)
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| SEPTEMBER 18TH, 2006 |
[18 Dec 2006|10:10pm] |
Im supposed to be using this laptop for spanish exploration, but for now, Ill post a VERY brief entry to tell you all that the depression continues. Today I had a doctor appointment, mom cried because we started talking about the whole "virginity" thing again. My doctor said that its hard for parents to think of their youngest child participating in sexual conquests.
Im not sure whether to feel sorry for my mother or to feel angry that she feels the need to protect me from everything. If you dont let me BREATHE, then you cant expect me to learn ANYTHING from my mistakes or learn anything in general for that matter. I dont know. Everything is still...up in the air. The car ride to school was even worse. She made me walk through rain and mud as some sort of penance for the doctor appt. *sigh*
And with Ish acting the way he is right now, I start to wonder why I protected him from my mother in the first place. Maybe I shouldve told her the truth instead of lying to keep him out of trouble. :|
Maybe thats the spite talking. JESUS I cant stand being in this class. I cant stand school in general. The only thing I look forward to is seeing Ray in English class next period. Fuckin hottie.
I miss Will. :(
Bah, Ive said too much. This entry has turned into a gush or a rant or whatever. ENOUGH.
(end of transmission)
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| SEPTEMBER 17TH, 2006 |
[18 Dec 2006|04:34pm] |
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mood |
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 Whatever. |
] |
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music |
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Viginti Tres- Tool |
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Moms letting me back onto the laptop again. Maybe Ill see you guys online. Maybe not. Depression's getting worse. Ive gone monotone again. :| Nothing else new to "report" so..whatever.
(end of transmission)
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